Courage To Accept Forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's such a beautiful word and yet it can be so difficult to accept.

There are times that receiving forgiveness can be somewhat easy. I just KNOW that Jesus died for that sin (because He died for ALL of them!) and I feel joyful. But there are times that, even though I know He died for all sin, I just can't seem to grab hold of His forgiveness. It certainly isn't because I don't think He's offering it, but it's because I truly don't deserve it. Those moments are real hard.
It's in those moments that I won't allow God to forgive me. (I know, right? As if I had control over Him!)

I had allowed something to throw me for a loop. A simple something, too. It had become a distraction that I allowed to boil. At first, it was just an aggravation. Then I kept thinking about  it. Before I knew it I had given it a home in my heart. (Thank goodness it was a temporary home!) I was saying things that was certainly not glorifying the Lord! I could just visualize Him saying: "Oh my! She's not mine!! I didn't shed My blood for that!"

The weight of what I had allowed became too heavy. I had allowed it. I had entertained it. I even gave it a home. I didn't deserve God's forgiveness and I couldn't allow Him to use His blood for it.
I needed to continue to be unforgivable as a penance. I felt as if I needed to pay for my sin.  After all, it was my fault.

Hebrews 9:24b,28a > " He [Christ] entered into heaven itself to appear now before God on our behalf.  Christ died once for all time as a sacrifice to take away the sins of many people."

As tears flowed down my face I realized then that I don't get to pick and choose what Jesus' blood was shed for. It was not my decision to make, it had already been decided. No, I don't deserve His forgiveness. But He's offering it anyway.  Repentance came easily.

It takes courage to lay down the shackles that we've given to ourselves. It takes courage to look up and accept His forgiveness as a gift. We don't have to live in bondage even though the sin was of our own doing. Jesus is in heaven appearing before God ... on our behalf.

In awe of Him,
~ Vonda

Take Time To Breathe

Isaiah 40:31 > "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Let's admit it; breathing is 100% necessary to live. Our bodies were created to breathe. It was the very breath of God that started the whole breathing process! He breathed into a clump of dirt and brought it to life. And now, in order for us to live, we have to be able to breathe. It's not just true for our physical being, it is also true for our spiritual being.

Let's consider our vehicles. We do have to make the occasional stop to put gas in them. If we don't, we're not going to get very far. But one of the most important components for our vehicles is oil. With the right amount of clean oil our vehicles can operate much better. In other words, it won't be sluggish.

As Christians, it's extremely important to keep our oil changed regularly. We can stop by the gas station (church) as often as we like to keep our tanks full. But to have our oil changed on a regular basis requires personal and intentional time with the Lord. It's there that we keep our bodies from becoming sluggish.

I had been spending a lot of time working on a particular project. If I wasn't sitting at my computer diligently working on it, I was definitely thinking about it. Even to the point of it showing up in my dreams while I was sleeping. So, true rest never came. Before I knew it, I was overwhelmed. My husband, even though he was very proud of my project, had been placed on the back-burner once again. I was working a full-time job (still am!), coming home to work on my project until 10:00 p.m., getting up at 4:00 a.m., only to start my routine over again.  Something had to change.

When I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, my solution is a nap. And so I took one. I still didn't feel refreshed and no-where-near rested. Then, I remembered my front porch. It's funny how I had forgotten the solitude and peace I have felt there many times. With a fresh cup of coffee and laptop in hand, I headed to the front porch.

I really had missed this place of solitude. The birds were singing praises to the King. Before I knew it, my heart was joining them. Because I live in the country there's not a lot of distracting noises. It's much easier to hear the sounds of nature. It's easier to breathe, if you try.

It was then that I realized that my sluggishness and sense of being overwhelmed was because I had not taken that much needed time to simply breathe, to wait upon the Lord, to have my "oil" changed. I needed strength renewed, because I honestly just didn't have anymore. I wanted to mount up with wings like eagles! I so desperately wanted to run (not physically, mind you!) and not be weary. I wanted to keep walking without coming close to fainting. My spirit had been longing for the Lord.

I had not taken care of my "vehicle". I took the time to put gas in it, but never took the time to have the oil changed. My oil needed changing. It was obvious that I needed a much stronger brand. I am so thankful that the Mechanic I needed was waiting for me. He waited for me to realize I was just not going to make it much farther.

When I left the front porch (the shop) I no longer felt sluggish and overwhelmed. My strength was renewed, I had wings like eagles, my spirit was running, and I could walk! Thank You Jesus!!

In awe of Him,
~ Vonda

Be Still and Know

Psalm 46:10a > "Be still, and know that I am God." (ESV)

Life can get busy. It can take us in different directions and down different paths. Before we know it, we've lost track of time. Perhaps even our sanity. It feels as if so many things are in need of our attention. Can't something just wait so that we can breathe??

There are times that our busyness is of our own doing. Not necessarily on purpose, we just didn't notice. I remember an older cousin  of mine who could not concentrate and talk on the phone at the same time. You could sit right beside her, while she was on the phone, and slowly hand her little things.  Her sister and I would get so tickled at the amount of stuff she would accumulate in her lap. She never even realized what was going on. By the time she was ready to hang up the phone, her lap was completely full! She would even have 1 more object in her hand that she was unaware of. The look on her face was priceless; "How did this happen?" She never realized that she had sat there and had taken everything we handed her. (Kinda devious of us, huh?)

In the same way, we are handed stuff without being fully aware. We say "yes", "sure", "bring it on",  and "why not" to so many things. They may not even be bad things, either. Eventually we become so overwhelmed with what's in our lap that we can't recall how it ever got there. We didn't notice the mound growing.

But it's the stuff that catches us off guard that takes our breath. The stuff that is thrown at us; the stuff  we have no control over. It becomes difficult to even stand straight on or own accord. Oh, we want to stand straight alright but the weight of it all causes us to be slightly bent. How did all of this suddenly happen? Did we miss a sign that it was coming? The questions we ask ourselves become limitless.

Life can feel as if we are unable to endure such hardships. We make a mental schedule of how we could possibly do it all and find we don't have the answers. I'm really good about making mental schedules. But that's usually as far as it gets. It never seems to make it to the paper. I have found myself, a time or two, being so overwhelmed and yet I never admitted to it. I continued forward in my own strength.  I continued forward pretending that everything was perfectly fine. Until one day...

One day, my lap was full. When I attempted to stand up everything in it fell to the floor. The really important stuff as well as the not-so-important stuff were all mingled together. Tears formed in my eyes and a lump swelled in my throat; how was I ever going to take care of it all?

I couldn't. I was incapable.  It was time for me to simply be still. No matter what demands were screaming for my attention, no matter what demands were knocking at my door, it was time for me to be still. It was time for me to know that He was (is) God. That takes courage!!


 

Just Be Yourself

In a world of trying to be like everyone else it is very hard to just be yourself. We have masks that we like to wear around certain people so that we can blend in, so that we can fit. So that we can appear similar to them. To be different is too scary; we might not be accepted.

Yep, that's the world I lived in for far too many years. I wanted to be accepted by the "in" crowd. Unfortunately, the "in" crowd was never the same in every place I went. I can't even count how many masks I kept handy because I didn't always know what they were going to look like. It could be disastrous if I were to put on the wrong mask, ya know? It was important to be ready!

School was a very hard time for me. Especially junior high and high school. "Groups" had already been formed and you were either in one or you were not. You were either in the "in" crowd or you were among the "out" crowd. Sometimes those groups were based on how much money your family had as well as how much money they didn't have. Those who had so much more than I did growing up, seemed to appeal to me. So, I struggled a lot during those early years for that reason. I grew up with less. Sometimes it was a lot less and sometimes it was just less. (It depended on how a person viewed what was considered less.) I never actually broke free from that bondage of trying to fit in while in school. Unfortunately, I stayed chained to the desire of fitting in.

I thought going to a christian school would be easier, and quite honestly, it just wasn't. We still struggled with the same issues that public school struggled with. Well, not all of the same issues as of today, but the same issues as of 35 years ago. (I only spent 2 years in a private christian school but it sure felt like so much longer!) We were still faced with the challenge of just being ourselves.  We had to face living up to other people's  expectations of who they thought we should be. That was extremely difficult.  More difficult than what public school expected.

And then church. The place that fitting in should not matter because everyone should fit. Yeah, I wore a mask there, too. Only I didn't really know I was. Anytime you feel like you have to be someone that you are not involves wearing a mask. I knew that God had shown me things and I wanted to share them. It wasn't necessarily His will for me to do that, it was just something that I wanted to do. I struggled with the desire to be a part of the "in" crowd (those who had some knowledge and a bit of holiness as well as those that others just wanted to be around) even at church. I didn't know how to be me. I didn't know that perhaps God had made me different for a reason. I wasn't being punished.

It's pretty obvious that I didn't think much of myself. I spent more time wanting to be like others that I never really knew how to be me. I never embraced the idea that I was supposed to be different. At least not until this particular time in my life. Now, I look back with sadness thinking of all the time I wasted. If I could have just had the courage to be myself there's no telling what could have happened! But, God knew I would waste that time. He also knew that I would learn from that time. That's where my concentration lies today. I choose to learn from it!

Being aware of the difference of yourself instead of being like someone else takes courage. It's not an easy path (or is that just the case for me?) but a very necessary path. Being who God made us to be is not going to look like who God made "so-and-so" to be. They are unique and so are we.  We tend to spend more time short-changing who we are in Christ and praising who so-and-so is in Christ. Isn't that like telling God He made a mistake with us?  That is kind of an "ouch" for me.

God has a plan for each of our lives as individuals. That should bring us courage to be ourselves. That kind of courage can only come from God. We just need to ask Him for it...

Jeremiah 29:11 > "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (NIV) 

In awe of Him,
~ Vonda

Courage to Continue

Isaiah 43:18-19> "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." (ESV)

It is so easy to get caught up in looking at what-used-to-be. (Especially if it was easier.) I have spent more time looking back than I truly care to admit. Oh, I knew those days were gone. And I knew they were not going to return. I knew that I needed to hold the really good ones close to my heart and let go of the bad ones.  Yet, knowing all of that did not keep me from returning to those memories. Before my marriage ever began I had the white-picket-fence mentality. I didn't necessarily expect the fence to be white, I just expected only good stuff inside that fence. (What was I thinking? Who told me such lies?) 

In the beginning, like most marriages, things were heavenly. Not problem-free, just really nice. Of course, the problems during the early years are usually not as big as the later years. We did go through some very rough patches (like not liking each other at all!) but somehow they didn't seem to be in comparison to the MAJOR change our way of life was going to go through.  What we had become accustomed to was about to change. Boy, was it going to hurt!

My husband had made a good living for our family of four. I had been able to be a house-wife for a majority of our marriage. Sacrifices were made, but it wasn't always difficult.  However, an opportunity to work with children came available so I took it. And then a few short years later "change" came. He was injured at work. Life as we knew it was not ever going to be the same. I was going to spend the next ten years looking back to what-used-to-be and not have courage to move forward, to continue on.

The next 10 years were very hard. Not just physically but emotionally as well. Things were not the same and I didn't know how to push forward. My spiritual life had never been truly alive with vigor(at least not since my early teen age years)  so leaning on it, depending on it,  was not even a thought. Looking back became a way of life. My husband was doing that very same thing, too. Neither of us knew how to handle this new life. The one thing we had the most in common during this time was reminiscing on the past. Part of that problem was we chose what we wanted to reminisce on. Even when our way of life seemed to be going okay we still had some rough experiences, too. We just chose not to remember those!

It has been 19 years since that particular change took place. It has been a journey! Through the journey God has shown me so much.  He has shown a faithfulness even when I wasn't. He held my hand and walked beside me all the way. The Almighty has given me courage to continue forward. I can only imagine what He has in store for the future.

This new change has developed a new way of life, a new way of living. Neither of us, my husband nor myself,  can get up in the mornings without relying on God for whatever He has in store. We have been tremendously blessed in so many ways. For me, my relationship with the Almighty has become alive! I can no longer open His Word without it truly breathing life into me. His love is never ending, His compassion fails not. For my husband, well, I can tell you what I see! He is new, his faith has become stronger, his desire for God has become awakened. Our lives are not so much about ourselves anymore, but about God.

Please don't misunderstand, we are not always successful with this. Some days are very challenging! With those days we fight (and I do mean FIGHT!!) even harder. God still gives His grace and mercy even though we may fail. 

Just when I was ready to throw in the towel, to wave the white flag of surrender, I was given a precious gift... the gift of courage to continue.

In awe of Him,
~ Vonda

Courage To Be A Coward

To be called a coward was a huge blow to any one's ego. It would bring on fights, loss of friendships, and even bitterness. Most of the time it would leave the person feeling humiliated and degraded. Those feelings were strong, no matter what age you were... or, are.

I was in no way a perfect child! Far, far from it! However, at times I wanted to be a whole lot worse than I was. I just didn't have the courage. Boy, did I feel the sting of it, too. I would look at my peers and see them take chances that they never should have taken. I saw them as having courage to do it. As for me, I found myself standing on the side lines wishing I had that kind of courage. Instead, I was a coward.

When I was in elementary school I remember being intrigued with the motorcycle gang "Hell's Angels".  They seemed to do what they wanted and even went where they wanted to go. They had courage!! Great big courage, too! Now, of course today I know that my views of them were distorted, big time. But as a child who was shy and scared to step out, I saw them as being the epitome of real courage. I wanted that kind of courage so desperately.

As I grew older, the idea of what courage meant began to change. I saw it a little differently. Instead of seeing myself as missing out on things, I started seeing myself as one who still experienced things, just in a distinctive way. God had a plan all along for me. The courage it took to be a coward was from Him. Only, He didn't view it as being a coward; I did.

John 14:27 > "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled. neither let them be afraid." (ESV)

Today I view the word "coward" with a smile. When I'm afraid to step out because of the fear of being called one, it doesn't get under my skin like it used to.  I kinda like it... I really like being able to have the courage to be called a coward. That courage comes from God and Him alone!

In awe of Him,
~Vonda

Courage To Stay

Odd title, isn't it? I thought so too, at first. But it soon changed...

Work was becoming somewhat, well, let's just say challenging. It felt like more of a struggle to even go. "Lord, what is going on with all of this? Why is it such a challenge?" Somewhere along the way, I had believed that it certainly wasn't me with the problem. It could only mean that it was time for me to go. My time was up. God must surely be telling me to look for an open door.  The problem was I wasn't looking for an open-door; I was trying to create one!

I've always been a dedicated employee. I made sure I was completely ready for work at 8:00 a.m. I would stay well past 5:00 p.m. to make sure the daily work was completed, filed, and put away. I don't say it in a boastful way, it is just my nature. I am a person of order. Well, I used to be.  I love to have order but that seems to be slipping past. (Is it because I'm 50 "something"?)

I am still able to get to work before time and be ready for the day. I don't feel rushed or chaotic when the first customer walks through the door or perhaps calls on the phone. I feel more "graceful".  Their needs are easier to meet when I've had time to prepare.

I guess it was about 3 years ago when I really noticed that things were beginning to change. Work was becoming more challenging.  I was no longer able to shove 12 hours worth of work into only 8 hours. I was failing miserably. Not only was I failing physically, I was also failing mentally.  Even my spiritual life was failing, as well. I didn't like who I was becoming. I had begun telling the Lord how unhappy I was. (Yes, I knew that God had not promised happiness, He'd promised joy. I was just hoping that He'd reconsider that!) Boy was Satan enjoying himself with me. I was down and he wanted to take me out!

I began to mentally entertain the thoughts of a new job, new employment. My heart started feeling lighter. I kept hoping beyond hope that the "answer" would walk through our doors. When you start hoping for something that is easier, suddenly things seem to become a little more bearable.  I was hoping in the wrong thing. I kept watching for an open-door. I mean really  watching!

It wasn't until tonight that I received my open-door answer. Only it didn't come like I thought it would. And it didn't say what I thought it would say. Shoot, I didn't even get to walk through it!
As the door slowly opened, I eagerly waited. I was expecting a big gift from the Lord. With eyebrows raised and a big grin on my face I anticipated a grand answer! And there it was.....

1 Corinthians 7:20> "Each person should remain in the life situation in which he was called." (HCSB

Wow...I was where I was supposed to be. Yes, things are more challenging than before. Yes, I still have a lot of work to do and less time to do it in. But more importantly, God has not changed. He is still the same. He still offers strength. I had just quit asking.

Sometimes it really does take courage to stay where you are and to simply trust that God really does know what He's doing.

In awe of Him,
~Vonda

One Foot in Front of the Other

 Deuteronomy 31:6 > "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." (ESV)


When I was a child I looked forward to the Christmas programs that came on. I eagerly awaited seeing Santa ride across the TV screen on an electric razor. Then I knew Christmas was coming. One of my favorite programs was Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. The idea of a man delivering toys to children made my child's heart feel warm and fuzzy. What child, or grown up for that matter, doesn't like to receive a gift? A gift given out of pure kindness. While growing up I still looked forward to that sweet little program. It always made me feel like a carefree child again. As an adult, I would look for any reason possible to mentally travel back in time. I wanted to feel like that carefree child again.

However, it's the Winter Warlock that I find myself waiting for now. Strange, I know. But there's just something about him now that intrigues me more. I remember how Kris Kringle melted his icy heart by giving him an unexpected gift. Before you knew it, Winter Warlock was asking for Kris' help to change. That meant he was going to have to learn to walk differently. That was going to take courage on his part. Sound familiar? It's not easy to learn to walk differently. And it is certainly not easy to take that first step out of fear and into courage.

It's the words that were sang in the Christmas program that have stayed with me for quite some time. They've stayed in my heart. "Put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking across the floor. Put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door." That's exactly what you have to do if you want to live life courageously. You have to simply put one foot in front of the other. It's how you get started. And of course, getting started is the hardest part. It's scary, it's leaving what your used to and stepping out into something that is unfamiliar.

Just like the Winter Warlock, I had discovered that I, too, could learn to live courageously. I, too, could take that first step in faith. I could allow fear to paralyze me and get me in bondage; or I could be strong AND courageous. Living courageously is possible. It's possible because we aren't left alone to figure it all out. God goes with us, His children. He will not leave us or forsake us.

Kris Kringle was there with Winter Warlock as he took his first steps of courage. He cheered him on! Would a loving God be out done by a Christmas cartoon? Absolutely not! God is cheering us on, also, as we take those first steps of courage. He might possibly be whispering, "Put one foot in front of  the other and soon you'll be walking across the floor. Put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door."